The History Of My Future

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26.04.2010.

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Ponekada jednostavno ne mogu da vjerujem kako ljudi postaju tuđi. Nekada mi nije jasno kako nekome ko ti je bio cijeli svijet više ne možeš reči niti jedno jebeno 'čao' jer te je strah.
Ali najviše me pogađa što ljudi nisu onakvi kakvim se čine.Svi imaju neku skrivenu namjeru i niko zapravo ni ne brine o okolini.Sve se mjeri mržnjom.
Ne,ja nisam takva,ja nisam masa.
Pripadam nekoj masi,ali ne toj.
Postalo je nemoguće ostati svoj kada te okolina tjeri da prešutiš ono što želiš reči.
Ne mogu da shvatim svu tu mržnju,vjerovatno jer ne mrzim.
Mržnja je jaka stvar i truje i ono malo ljudskosti u svakome od nas.
Samo naprijed,nastavite mrziti,daleko ćete dogurati.
Ljudi su tuđi,oni nikada nisu bili naši.
Svi smo mi proizvod nekog višeg Zla i manjeg Dobra.
U nama ne postoji jing i jang,u nama postoji samo zlo prekriveno plahtom dobra da nas zavara.
Zato mi je najbolji prijatelj oduvijek bio moj pas.
Zato se odričem nade da će nekada ljudi shvatiti da ih mržnja ne dovodi nigdje.

26.04.2010.

U mojoj glavi se izgleda bolje,tamo je sve što poželim moje.



B: I'm sorry I didn't tell you,but I'm in Miami,that's why I didn't call you these days.
Me: Oh,it's ok
silence
B: So,what were you doing except worrying for me?
Me: Don't flatter yourself,I wasn't worried.
B: Don't lie to me,I know you were worried.
Me: Actually,I really wasn't.And I think it's because I don't care about you anymore.
B: I don't believe you.
Me: Try to.Goodbye.





21.04.2010.

Get out.

Nismo razgovarali još od onoga dana.
A nemam ni neku potrebu da razgovaram sa njim.

Ono sto me sada mući su zimske naslage kojih bi se trebala riješiti.Hoću reči,trebalo bih da smršam nekih 5-6 kila.Znam da pretjerujem i da uopšte nije potrebno,ali želim se osjećati dobro u svojoj koži.


And,I decided to put up some of my photos. (:


This one is sooooo old. I think it was taken when I was 15 or 16 and had some strange hair color.

Also old,it was taken after the first one.Maybe couple of months later when I wanted to be blond.

This one is from 6 months ago.

18.04.2010.

Or you can ignore me,that's cool too.

18.04.2010.

It's all the same.

Kompleks okoline mi ide na zivce.


I tako danas,nakon popodnevne kafe izadjem da udahnem nekog 'svjezeg' zraka.
Hodala sam tako,ni sama nisam znala kuda idem,manje vise sat vremena.
Razmjestala sam stvari u mojoj glavi i pokusavala sklopiti neke dijelove.
Najvise me nerviralo sto su ulice,kao i svake subote,bile prepune i svako malo bih se sudarila sa nekim.
Nadala sam se da cu sresti doticnog gospodina,vec sam imala pripremljen govor u glavi.
Htjela sam mu reci koliko me privlaci nesto u njemu i koliko mi u isto vrijeme ide na zivce.
Htjela sam mu ispricati neku pricu,o nepostojecoj ljubavi.
Ali,nisam ga srela.
Kada sam usla u kucu,prsti su sami birali njegov broj.

B: Hello
Me: Zoe's here...I was wondering,if you have a time,we could go on a coffee?
B: I'll pick you up in 15 min.
Me: Ok,I'll be ready.
B: See you in 15 min. bye.
Me: Bye...

I tako sam provela narednih 15 minuta,sjedeci na ulazu u kucu.
Razmisljala sam sta bih mu rekla,zbog cega sam ga zvala,ali nista mi nije padalo na pamet.

B:Get in the car
Me:So...
B:What?
Me:Let's get a coffee first,then we'll talk.
B:About what?
Me:Coffee first.
B:Ok

Uzeli smo kafu u Starbucksu,sjeli na klupu u nekome parku i sutjeli dobrih pola sata,sigurno.

Me:So...
B:So...
Me:There is something inside of you that scares the shit out of me.And for a strange reason,I like...you.But at the same time I want to kick you in your fucking capitalistic ass.And I don't fucking know what do I feel.See,you make me feel unsure about everything I know.
Silence.
B:I know what do I feel. I don't like you Zoe,I love you.
Me:I told you I don't believe in love.
B:From now you should.

I tako smo sutjeli narednih pola sata,odbacio me nazad do kuce.
Da priznam da me strah? Jeste,strah me osjecaja.


17.04.2010.

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Kada bolje razmislim,ne mogu se oduprjeti sili koja me vuce ka tebi.
Bacam svu svoju energiju pokusavajuci otici sto dalje od magneta koji posjedujes u sebi.

16.04.2010.

The day I ried to live.

B: Hi Zoe
Me: Oh,hi

And we were standing there,more then 15 min,staring at each other,without any words.
And then,I turned around and walked away.
See,I don't care anymore...

15.04.2010.

Fuck it all.

I don't have a time to mess up with you.
I don't have a time to understand you.
I don't have a time to think about you.
I don't have a time to talk to you.
I don't have a time to speak about you.
I don't have a time to dream about you.
  ...anymore.

Listen now,when I tell you,
I don't fucking care about you anymore.
I done trying to be nice,trying to give my best,trying to be polite.
Screw you dud.
Fuck you.
Today was the last day I spoke to you.
Today was the last day I spent my time on you.
Tomorrow is my day,without you.
It's only me,music,my cigars and books.
FUCK YOU!

14.04.2010.

Blah blah blah

Danas kroz razgovor sa starim drugaricama shvatim koliko je brzo vrijeme prošlo.Nekako mi i dođe iz guzice u glavu koliko sam se promijenila i odrasla. Ali moram priznati da mi fale sve one dječije radosti i ona bezbrižnost koju sam nekoć posjedovala.
Gospodin savršeni kapitalista mi ide na živce.Čovječe,sve mogu pročitati ali ne i njega.
Za laku noć,ponovo moj najdraži Marlboro i dobra knjiga.

14.04.2010.

No fucking war.

Song for the good morning: 7 year bitch-No fucking war
Weather: come on,where is my sun?


This is my photograph (:





12.04.2010.

No...

After a coffee in my favourite Starbucks,he offered to take me home.I said yes simply 'cause I was tierd of public transport. And there we are,in his fucking capitalistic car.Suddenly,he turned around.

B: Zoe,do you believe in love?
Me: No...no I don't believe in love.
B:Why?
Me:Love doesn't exist.So why should I believe in something that doesn't exist?
B:Love exists,you just have to look around yourself.
Me:Thanks but,I think I'm loveblind then.
*He was pretending that he's focused on the road*
Me:Remember you told me how I'm heartless and feelings free? Well,love is just a desire to posses feelings.And I don't desire to posses feelings,I don't have any.
B:See,love does exist.
Me:I didn't said that.I just gave my theory about what is love.
B:Well,you theory sucks.
Me:Your fucking love sucks.
B:Don't swear.
Me:Don't tell me what to do.
Silence...
B:There is love,somewhere inside of you.You'll find it one day.You are just scared of emotions and losing control of them.You know,I have never met bigger control freak then you.
Me:Shut the fuck up.You think you know everything?Well,you don't.You don't know me and that's why you don't have any rights to talk about what am I afraid of.
B:Stop swearing,that's not polite.
Me:Sorry,I'm not polite girl.
Silence...
Me:Stop the car.
B:What?
Me:Stop the car,I'll take a walk to my house.
B:No you won't,I'm driving you home.
Me:I said stop the fucking car,I know how to get to my house by myself.
B:Are you crazy?It's raining.
Me:I don't care.
*He stops by*
B:Are you sure?
Me:Thanks on nice conversation,I really enjoyed it.
B:Is it your irony again or you are really grateful for me opening your eyes?
Me:Well,guess I'll be grateful.
B:Ironic,I thought so.    Get in the car,you're wet already.
Me:Goodbye you perfect piece of capitalistic shit. See you.

And then,I took long walk to my house.Here I am,with a cup of hot tee and cigars,trying to get my temperature down.
Does love exist?
My answer is still,no.


12.04.2010.

Good... No bad morning.

Čovječe,kako samo mrzim kada mi dan ne poćne po planu.
Mrzim priznati ali sam veliki control freak.
Starbucks kafa i Marlboro svako jutro,a danas zaglavim sa obićnom turskom kafom i bez cigara.
Prelijepo.
Kao da gledam da će mi ćitav dana ići naopako zbog ovoga.
Ali bilo kako bilo.
Sada bih trebalo da navučem na sebe uniformu i zaputim se na posao.
Mrzim uniforme,ali šta je tu je.Važno je da je plata solidna.



12.04.2010.

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Ljubav je samo želja za posjedovanjem osjećaja.

11.04.2010.

It was just a dream,was it?

I hope some of my dreams come true.Especially those in which you are a regular visitor.
Maybe one day I wake up and realize that my life was a dream, nightmare actually.
I'm trying to be nice, but when I think about it, it is actually not even worth it.
So, tell me, why do I even try?


10.04.2010.

So,this is what I like.







09.04.2010.

what a shame we all became such fragile broken things

Puno riječi sada blokira u mojoj glavi.
One imaju veliku želju da izađu vani i istresu sav bjes na sigurno.
Možda ja i ne znam sa riječima,možda sam samo još jedan propali sanjar zarobljen duoko u svom konfuznom svijetu nićega.
Pretvorit ću prah u pepeo,iz pepela ću izvući novo Ja.Možda pepeo stvori nešto sa većim imunitetom.
Pogled se muti od mržnje koja kao da iskaće iz mojih očiju.Nikada nisam mrzila a sada mrzim da sve nadoknadim.
Pljujem na zadnju cigaretu da ne doživi pepeo.Otvorit ću novi prozor koji će zapravo biti onaj stari.Ali ja ću se praviti da je novi,da bih bacila novi pogled na ogorčen svijet oko sebe.Još jednom ću glasno u nebo da viknem FUJ,da pljunem na zemlju i svijet pošaljem u pičku materinu.